If you haven’t heard of this man, get a life and start watching TV 24/7 like me. Nerd.

John Basedow is the KING of 45-degree angles. Out of the 537 times per day that I see his “Fitness Made Simple” commercial, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a straight-on shot of his stunning physique that can be formed in a few short weeks of home exercise and proper nutrition. You too can get huge, chiseled muscles and come up with your own creative posing techniques, all for a miniscule $1,000 in video fees.

*Plastic surgery & liposuction not included.

Just look at the above assortment of photos. Basedow, the “Fitness Celebrity” shows his incredible versatility, and he only needs four photos to do it! Of course, he always sports his signature “angular genius,” but can you notice the finer points of his posing ability? I’ll help you out. Sometimes he faces the right, other times the left. Sometimes he’ll look at the ground, other times off to the distance. He can even wear varying lengths of trousers!

He can pose in front of water, foliage, and even blank screens. Sometimes, when he’s feeling really crazy, he’ll wear sunglasses. Do you notice another constant? YES! For some reason, he’s quite fond of the “hand covering the lower abdomen” motif. I’m not sure what that means, but sometimes he’ll even go with both hands. This guy is my new hero. I also noticed a couple things that he’s not a big fan of: 1) wearing shirts, and 2) good haircuts.

By the way, where does he get off calling himself a “Fitness Celebrity” anyway? Had anyone ever heard of him before his commercials? I sure hadn’t. I guess you can just call yourself a celebrity, infiltrate millions of homes w/ your ridiculous commercials with sweet special effects, have everyone learn your name purely as a result, and there you have it. The formula for success. And for shrinking your testicles.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that if any of you have actually purchased any of these videos or even called and then hung up because you were embarrassed, I hate you. That’s all.

This week’s tool winner is none other than Ohio’s sweetheart, Ben Roethlisburgermeistermeisterburger. I usually stuck up for Big Ben throughout most of this year. I even kindof rooted for him even though he graduated from my school’s supposed rival. I know that he’s good, and probably will have an NFL career at least as good as Jeff Blake or Ryan Leaf, but I gotta call him out after his colossal dirty-diaper performance in the playoffs the last 2 weeks.

Here’s his line for the last 2 games: 5 picks (pretty much all of them in crucial situations) and like 7 yards per completion. There’s a lot of other stats that I could tell you, but they’re secrets so I’d have to kill you afterward. Sorry.

I know the Steelers are a running team, but it looked like Roethlisberger was playing that money game where you just throw the ball up and call out how much it’s worth for whoever catches it. The Patriots defensive backs must’ve needed the money a lot more than Hines and Plaxico. And I think Belichick needs a raise because the man refuses to wear anything but a hoodie during games.

On a related note, I heard Plaxico Burress got a FOUR on his ACT. A freaking FOUR. If anyone can confirm this, please hit me up and tell me about it.

Back to Ben. He doesn’t actually fit the “tool” definition but I don’t care. I invented the award so I can do whatever I want with it, jerkface. He definitely proved that he was actually a rookie, and now that I think about it, my boy Carson Palmer probably had just as good a season as Ben (you know, without all the wins and playoff appearance).

By the way, why doesn’t the NFL call Palmer a rookie? He took his first snap this year, so he was on the same level as Roethlisberger. If this was baseball he’d be a rookie, but you probably don’t care about all this crap so this post is officially over.

In honor of MLK-day, this week’s tool is James Earl Ray, the man who gunned King down in Memphis on April 4^th, 1968 (I didn’t even have to look that up). I’m not a big fan of assassins (unless they take care of no-talent pop stars or maybe Curt Schilling), especially if they end the life of one of the most influential Americans of all time.

Ray initially admitted to being the assassin, then was sentenced, then said he didn’t do it, then died in jail before anything was proven. His name is pretty much mud for the rest of eternity, I’d say. Never trust anyone with two first names, and definitely never trust anyone with three. James Earl Ray, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Anyway, more importantly, Martin Luther King, Jr. is easily one of the top five Americans in the history of America. He did more for race relations than Justin Timberlake and Eminem combined – and he didn’t even need to use violence or ridiculous lyrics. He was also actually black.

He gave some of the most moving and inspirational speeches since coach Norman Dale in Hoosiers, and his Letter from Birmingham Jail is one of the most influential documents ever in terms of justice, ethics, rights and peace. It’s really long but there’s some good stuff in there.

His influence and legacy continue to be evident today. I can think of only three dudes that left such an important legacy and maybe even had more influence AFTER they died, in this order: Jesus, King, and Tupac.

Also, he gave us a really sweet day-off from school. Big ups, Marty.

This week’s Tool of the Week is a boundary-shattering event. In a surprise move, the award goes to Britney Federline, the first woman ever selected for the award. Who knows how many doors this will open for overrated young girls not being able to live up to their hype and then fall off in a horribly public way.

I know it’s trendy to pick on her lately, but recent events cannot be overlooked. Firstly, in the physical attractiveness department she has gone from “Smoking Hot” to “Hot” to “I’d hit it” to “I’d hit it but only because she’s Britney Spears” to “I’d hit it but wouldn’t tell anyone” and finally to “I wouldn’t touch her with John Bobbitt’s severed penis.” That’s a shame because in two more years she won’t be able to play the “pose for Playboy to resurrect struggling career” card anymore.

Other events such as “getting married” and “saying dumb things” and “looking like she got a severe beat-down with several ugly sticks” just tend to finally expose her for what she truly is: a lucky bitch from Louisiana whose parents forced her into fame to help pay the mortgage on their trailer and their septic tank bills.

Now I guess we’ll have to wait for the next pop starlet with no talent or self respect to fantasize about, which doesn’t seem likely to happen anytime in the near future… Check that, somehow I think that SHE, SHE, SHE, and THEY will come through for us just fine.

This week’s Tool of the Week goes to Arte Moreno, owner of Major League Baseball’s team formerly known as the Los Angeles/California/Anaheim/Los Angeles Angels. I know most of you probably don’t know who he is, and really doesn’t qualify as a celebrity, but he has a dumb idea and therefore deserves to be smote. (He’s the one in the sunglasses, BTW)

He bought the Angels a couple of years ago, wanting to change their name from the Anaheim Angels to the Los Angeles Angels. However, the city of Anaheim got mad and said it would break their lease, so Arte came up with a brilliant way to appease both sides. He hopes to name his team THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM. That's like calling us the United States of America of Mexico. (kindof)

Hearing this day-in and day-out would be almost the baseball equivalent of THE Ohio State University. He’d be better off naming them “The team that nobody can remember who won the World Series in 2002.” Screw it, it’d be cooler if they were the “Angels in the Outfield.” Moreno’s idea begs the question: “Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?” He sucks.