This week’s tool winner is none other than Ohio’s sweetheart, Ben Roethlisburgermeistermeisterburger. I usually stuck up for Big Ben throughout most of this year. I even kindof rooted for him even though he graduated from my school’s supposed rival. I know that he’s good, and probably will have an NFL career at least as good as Jeff Blake or Ryan Leaf, but I gotta call him out after his colossal dirty-diaper performance in the playoffs the last 2 weeks.

Here’s his line for the last 2 games: 5 picks (pretty much all of them in crucial situations) and like 7 yards per completion. There’s a lot of other stats that I could tell you, but they’re secrets so I’d have to kill you afterward. Sorry.

I know the Steelers are a running team, but it looked like Roethlisberger was playing that money game where you just throw the ball up and call out how much it’s worth for whoever catches it. The Patriots defensive backs must’ve needed the money a lot more than Hines and Plaxico. And I think Belichick needs a raise because the man refuses to wear anything but a hoodie during games.

On a related note, I heard Plaxico Burress got a FOUR on his ACT. A freaking FOUR. If anyone can confirm this, please hit me up and tell me about it.

Back to Ben. He doesn’t actually fit the “tool” definition but I don’t care. I invented the award so I can do whatever I want with it, jerkface. He definitely proved that he was actually a rookie, and now that I think about it, my boy Carson Palmer probably had just as good a season as Ben (you know, without all the wins and playoff appearance).

By the way, why doesn’t the NFL call Palmer a rookie? He took his first snap this year, so he was on the same level as Roethlisberger. If this was baseball he’d be a rookie, but you probably don’t care about all this crap so this post is officially over.