This week’s Tool of the Week goes to Keanu “In how many movies can I save the world by saying the word WHOA” Reeves, in honor of his upcoming movie, Constantine, in which he plays a supernatural detective that has literally been to hell and back.

I’m not sure what else the movie is about, except that it’s Keanu at his finest, you know, the character that’s usually just a regular guy that somehow ends up getting involved in a crazy situation and finding out that he has to save a bunch of people (i.e. Speed, Matrix, Bill & Ted, etc.), while delivering his usually-brilliant dialogue that Noah Webster himself would be proud of.

Even more unbelievable than the fact that the high-school dropout is a multi-millionaire, is that he was ranked #23 in Empire Magazine’s top movie stars of all time. 23! I think I can name 23 actors in Boat Trip that are better than him, not to mention Benji, Air Bud, Beethoven, Babe, Free Willy and the pet rock from Office Space.

Keanu’s story is one of true perseverance. He refused to let his lack of acting talent keep him from making it big and he continues to defy box-office odds by releasing the same movie every year, raking in millions every time. He also didn’t let his lack of musical talent keep him from releasing CD’s. He plays bass in his band Dogstar, which can only be described as “Dogcrap.”

Keanu sometimes goes by Norman Kreeves and Chuck Spidena, but I wish he would just go by “The Cadaver” or even “Inmate 35987,” either way it will keep him from making me question the reality of the universe and from stabbing my eyes out with a mechanical pencil.

This week’s Tool of the Week goes to Michael Jackson, whose Neverland Ranch got raided again Friday in connection with his most recent legal troubles having something to do with him being a perverted freak.

I don’t want to go too much further delving into the freakness that is MJ. I just wanted to point out that he is still alive, still being a waste of life and perfectly good little boys... I mean, Beatles songs.

I don’t mind his music. The moon walk is cool too. Just the whole “dressing up as pedophile plastic surgery nightmare guy” gives me the willies, not to mention the pukes. If he would have died in that whole Pepsi commercial hair-on-fire fiasco the world would have been a much better place.