Bob Vila's Craftsman Tool of the Week

 
The Bob Vila Craftsman Tool of the Week is dedicated to the people in the world that somehow, in no way related to their own talent or hard work, became famous. The weekly award will go to the celebrity that trumps all others in stupidity and general un-coolness. Check back every Monday for a new tool. (definition)
  

March 07, 2005

Tool of the Week: Vin Diesel

I would never say this to his face, EVER, but Vin Diesel is a tool.

Besides turning in some of the most not-riveting cinematic performances of our generation, apparently he is a HUGE Dungeons & Dragons fan. Which is fine - if you’re a pre-pubescent, palefaced, headgear-wearing nerd whose wardrobe sports everything from oversized Boba Fett t-shirts to oversized Digimon t-shirts.

Somehow, his new movie The Pacifier topped the box-office this weekend. Maybe that’s because every movie released between Christmas and Memorial Day is a joke, but it could also be because Americans are retards. Either way, Diesel is a star and I’m not. I’m jealous.

He is basically the new Schwarzenegger, minus the funny accent and political office. Oh yeah, and minus even a single good movie to his credit. He doesn’t have ½ the “talent” that Arnold has in ½ of one of his swollen testicles. He’s also not married to a Kennedy.

In conclusion, Vin Diesel sucks. Unless he’s reading this, in which case he is the best thing to happen to Hollywood since silicon & botox. And Nicholas Cage.

Can you tell I totally mailed-in this Tool of the Week? I hope so.