Bob Vila's Craftsman Tool of the Week

 
The Bob Vila Craftsman Tool of the Week is dedicated to the people in the world that somehow, in no way related to their own talent or hard work, became famous. The weekly award will go to the celebrity that trumps all others in stupidity and general un-coolness. Check back every Monday for a new tool. (definition)
  

February 28, 2005

Tool of the Week: Maurice Clarett

I always knew this guy was a loser. Exhibit A: he went to Ohio State. Since being proclaimed as the “Buckeye Jesus” (I made that up) after “leading” them to a “possibly-tainted” national title, he’s done nothing but run the “good” name of Ohio State into the ground. He also got busted for lying on a police report, to the tune of $10,000 in stolen goods that didn’t exist.

However, nothing made me happier this weekend than the fact that this guy (after two years of suing, whining, and being partially responsible for Mike Williams losing a year of NCAA eligibility) totally peed his pants at the NFL combine.

Clarett ran 40 times of 4.72 and 4.82. To put that in perspective, I just ate a gallon of chocolate ice cream in 4.5 seconds. In other words, Mo’ C is a waste of life and I really like ice cream. To top it all off, he QUIT right after that. “No more drills. My work here is done. I think I’ve proved my point.”

“I’m frustrated. I’ve been working a long time, waking up at 5:30 and going back at 12:30 and then at 7 o’clock, and I totally busted.”

He failed to mention that his three-a-days were actually watching Fresh Prince reruns and eating Krispy Kremes. For the record, there’s nothing wrong with watching Fresh Prince and eating Krispy Kremes (which I do almost daily), unless you’re trying to get drafted by an NFL team.

Now all we can pray for is that come April, Mr. Paul Tagliabue will have these words to say: “With the 975th pick in the 2005 NFL Draft, the CLEVELAND BROWNS select Maurice Clarett, running back, THE Ohio State University (kindof).” Serves him right.