If you haven’t heard of this man, get a life and start watching TV 24/7 like me. Nerd.

John Basedow is the KING of 45-degree angles. Out of the 537 times per day that I see his “Fitness Made Simple” commercial, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a straight-on shot of his stunning physique that can be formed in a few short weeks of home exercise and proper nutrition. You too can get huge, chiseled muscles and come up with your own creative posing techniques, all for a miniscule $1,000 in video fees.

*Plastic surgery & liposuction not included.

Just look at the above assortment of photos. Basedow, the “Fitness Celebrity” shows his incredible versatility, and he only needs four photos to do it! Of course, he always sports his signature “angular genius,” but can you notice the finer points of his posing ability? I’ll help you out. Sometimes he faces the right, other times the left. Sometimes he’ll look at the ground, other times off to the distance. He can even wear varying lengths of trousers!

He can pose in front of water, foliage, and even blank screens. Sometimes, when he’s feeling really crazy, he’ll wear sunglasses. Do you notice another constant? YES! For some reason, he’s quite fond of the “hand covering the lower abdomen” motif. I’m not sure what that means, but sometimes he’ll even go with both hands. This guy is my new hero. I also noticed a couple things that he’s not a big fan of: 1) wearing shirts, and 2) good haircuts.

By the way, where does he get off calling himself a “Fitness Celebrity” anyway? Had anyone ever heard of him before his commercials? I sure hadn’t. I guess you can just call yourself a celebrity, infiltrate millions of homes w/ your ridiculous commercials with sweet special effects, have everyone learn your name purely as a result, and there you have it. The formula for success. And for shrinking your testicles.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that if any of you have actually purchased any of these videos or even called and then hung up because you were embarrassed, I hate you. That’s all.