This week, Jeremy Giambi admitted he used steroids. Huh? I mean, I’m not surprised at all, but to me it’s kinda like Keanu Reeves coming out, saying he took illegal acting lessons or something. In the greater scheme of things when it’s all said and done, both will be a waste of their respective time and money.

The guy took steroids and has a career batting average of .260! He has 52 career home runs, less than what most major leaguers can come up with in a single year nowadays. And he took steroids.

I’m sure there was some suspicion after his brother came clean, but honestly, did he think anyone was going to care? Are we going to have to put an asterisk next to his .197 batting average in 2003? He shouldn’t be apologizing to America for taking steroids, he should be apologizing to his wife for wasting all that money on them. And to Victor Conte for giving his “miracle drugs” a bad name.

Come to think of it, I’m going to go tell my Econ. professor that I cheated on the final last quarter. I got a C-. Hopefully he’ll respect me more now that I came clean and will go easy on me.

Give me a break. Jeremy Giambi. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I would never say this to his face, EVER, but Vin Diesel is a tool.

Besides turning in some of the most not-riveting cinematic performances of our generation, apparently he is a HUGE Dungeons & Dragons fan. Which is fine - if you’re a pre-pubescent, palefaced, headgear-wearing nerd whose wardrobe sports everything from oversized Boba Fett t-shirts to oversized Digimon t-shirts.

Somehow, his new movie The Pacifier topped the box-office this weekend. Maybe that’s because every movie released between Christmas and Memorial Day is a joke, but it could also be because Americans are retards. Either way, Diesel is a star and I’m not. I’m jealous.

He is basically the new Schwarzenegger, minus the funny accent and political office. Oh yeah, and minus even a single good movie to his credit. He doesn’t have ½ the “talent” that Arnold has in ½ of one of his swollen testicles. He’s also not married to a Kennedy.

In conclusion, Vin Diesel sucks. Unless he’s reading this, in which case he is the best thing to happen to Hollywood since silicon & botox. And Nicholas Cage.

Can you tell I totally mailed-in this Tool of the Week? I hope so.